To be honest, I don’t think I truly experienced mom guilt until my second child. Ever since my son was born, mom guilt has overwhelmed me. “Is my daughter watching too much screen time?” “Am I spending enough quality time with both of my children?” “Is working from home impacting my kids in a negative way?” I have spent many nights sitting on the couch talking to my husband and telling him I don’t feel like I’m doing enough as a mom.
I asked moms on a couple of Facebook groups what they thought the hardest part about being a mom was. Mom guilt was an answer I saw over and over again. I had never really heard of the term until I googled it. I found that there are many blogs written on mom guilt as well as several articles. There is not a clear definition in the dictionary. However, from what I have seen other people write, mom guilt seems to be defined as the feeling of “not being or doing enough.”
I continued to read the articles that discussed mom guilt and one of them in particular stood out to me. In America, our society needs moms to feel guilty. It’s what drives moms to strive to do more and that is exactly what society wants. America needs moms to work full time, be a mother full time, be a wife or a partner full time and take care of the house full time. Since the 1950’s, America has had a vision for what motherhood should look like. It should look like a mom in a dress, full makeup and pearls standing over the stove with a perfectly clean house and well-behaved kids waiting for her husband to come home from work. The problem is, that standard has not changed since the 1950’s and is still the expectation today. It is just not possible.
When I considered the article I read, I thought to myself, how are women supposed to live up to that standard? We can’t. Yet, we strive so hard to do so. It’s what is killing us on the inside while we simply smile on the outside and pretend we have it all together.
For me, I experience a lot of guilt surrounding self care. Self care is something I am not good at and my therapist has told me I need to be better. Sometimes, self care can seem like one more thing to add to my long list of tasks I need to accomplish. However, it is important for me to take care of myself whether that be physically by doing a workout or mentally by running to Target alone so that I can have a minute to think. My children will benefit from me being the best version of me that I can be. This requires self care.
We haven’t even broached the subject of social media. Living in the generation that we do, we are exposed to social media everywhere we turn. The world has never been more connected yet never been more isolated at the same time. Social media causes comparison. Often times, I find myself thinking: how does that mom seem to have it all together? Look at how cute her kids are dressed or look at how happy they all seem. Meanwhile, I haven’t even managed to get my children dressed out of their pajamas and both of them are having a meltdown.
Social media is only a glimpse into a person’s life. It is a well-controlled outlet that provides a snap shot into a person’s life. It is not the full-time reality. That mom likely does not have it all together and it probably took every ounce of strength she had to bribe her kids to wear those cute clothes and smile to get the perfect social media worthy picture. Who knows what went on behind the scenes. I have found that it is dangerous to play the comparison game. I am comparing my worst moments to someone’s “highlight reel.” They are not letting me get a glimpse into their actual reality which in fact probably looks pretty similar to mine.
I want to approach mom guilt from a spiritual angle. I read a devotion the other day by Oswald Chambers that said: “The average Christian is the most piercingly critical individual known….Stop having a measuring stick for other people. There is always at least one more fact, which we know nothing about, in every person’s situation.” I reflected on how society has seemed to create this culture of mom guilt. But, when I reflected more, I wondered if in fact, moms have created mom guilt. I think the striving to create a perfect “social media picture” has contributed to mom guilt more than anything. Too often, moms are so critical and mom shame other moms. This is not how Christ intended things. This devotion caused me to examine myself and say: I do not want to be a piercingly critical individual. I want to stop the cycle of mom guilt and comparison. Instead, I want to encourage other moms. I want to be there in the hard times. I want to come over, help clean, cook a meal, take the kids…whatever it may be. Instead of mom shaming a mom during a painful time she is having, I want to ask her: what can I do to help make this better?
The question is: how do I combat that feeling of mom guilt and not feeling like I am enough? I put together some key takeaways that I am going to practice and maybe they will help you too.
- Remember that the Lord blessed me with children and it’s only through Him that I will ever be “enough” as a mom
- Stop comparing. Relinquish social media’s power over my life.
- Recognize that some mom guilt is normal and remind myself I am a good mom and I love my children.
- Be better at self care. It’s important for my kids to see me taking care of myself because then they will learn how to also practice self care.
- Practice honesty about the hardships of motherhood instead of feeling like I always have to put on a brave face.
Finally, remember to meditate on the things above, not on earthly things!
I would love to hear your thoughts about mom guilt. Head over to the Motherly Meditations Facebook or Instagram page to comment.